If anybody out there is paying attention to the timestamp, you might get an early clue as to why it’s time for an ugly post. It’s four in the morning. I’m exhausted. I’m frustrated. I’m stressed out. I’m really angry. I’m in the bathtub trying to relax so I can return to some semblance of rest, but it’s really not doing anything in the face of my uncontrollable emotions. My inability to compartmentalize and move on could well be due to pregnant hormones (I’m about six weeks from D-day now), or it could be due to an inherent inability to let go. I can’t even remember what my emotions felt like before pregnancy, so I wouldn’t know. And the secret is that it doesn’t matter. Even if this is all about hormones, these emotions are impossible to deal with.
I have been exhausted for weeks. I can’t get a full night’s rest anymore because I’m always uncomfortable, horny, and on the way in or out of the bathroom to pee. I can’t sleep in or take naps because Cash got fired (story for another day) and I’ve been pulling endless extra hours trying to make ends meet on my paycheck alone. I have all this pent up anxious energy. I feel this incredible need to be prepared and yet have no ability to get prepared. I am not making enough money. I do not have enough energy. I can’t summon enough strength to do everything alone. His constant bad attitude brings me down whenever I’m home and pisses me off whenever I am able to get productive.
I feel like I’m in this struggle alone. I try to convey how much I need help to Cash, but I don’t think he is hearing what I’m saying. He hears criticism, as if I were saying he is a lazy deadbeat because he isn’t contributing monetarily right now (for a full month now). What I’m trying to say is that I’m desperate and afraid. I’m frustrated that I can’t enjoy any of these last few weeks of my pregnancy because I’m always working or exhausted. I just don’t understand how he is spending every day. I’m the only one working (ten and eleven hour days now). I’m the only one cleaning. I’m the only one researching and preparing for labor and parenting. I’m scared because I feel like this lack of support is going to continue after the baby is born and I don’t think I can manage it. I’m angry because I’ve been trying so hard to be supportive during a difficult time in his life but I feel like being supportive has only led to me being unsupported during a similarly difficult time in MY life. He always has this bad attitude. I’m way too tired to fight with him and nag him all day. I want harmony in our home. I really need him to step up before the shit hits the fan when the baby is born and it feels like he is totally ignorant of that need.
His response is always we are fine, we will be fine. We have been doing fine, it’s true, but I feel like he is totally oblivious to the great cost at which doing fine has come. I feel like I am paying the cost all alone.
And no, being woken up at three thirty in the morning by his too loud records does not help. It only reminds me how miserable I am, how little he notices, and how easy he finds it to enjoy himself when I’m not around.
My life just sucks right now.